From my Highest Horse

1.20.24- Drinking, and partying, and being in the scene. At a time not too long ago, I was partying hartying if ya know what I’m sayin’. When you’re in the scene you just want to get further and cooler and better and wealthier, and it’s just a competition. A constant struggle for power. Information is power, and often people seek information to gain power. The ways that some go about obtaining information can be harsh, sneaky, often slimy. This information gathering and sharing is often referred to as gossiping, and for a long time, I was extremely guilty of it. Lost friends from it, gained enemies from committing it. But it’s a rush. A rush of dopamine that makes you feel good about yourself by essentially putting others down. It’s selfish. But it’s a rush. It’s a rush that has casualties beyond your comprehension when committing it. These people have mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, sons, and daughters. These people have jobs, hobbies, and responsibilities. These people are often just trying to live their lives and you are putting them down due to jealousy? Seems so easy to point your moral compass North and just not commit gossip, but it is not. It is a habit that takes time to break. Not because you waiver in your ability to see its harm, but because it’s embedded in your relationships. Gossiping is what you do with select people. Gossiping is how you came to be friends. Well, that and partying.

I’m fortunate for some of the terrible experiences that I’ve had over the past few years, as it has helped me to distance myself from the party scene. Beyond that it has really opened my eyes to the many things that are important in my life, and some things that were toxic and needed to be removed. My constant comparison of myself to others was the most toxic trait that I possessed. As my Megs says, “Comparison is the thief of joy”. As we have grown and found what is important to us it has become increasingly hard to converse in a gossiping fashion. This is mainly because we have so much to focus on in our own lives that we just do not have the bandwidth to worry about others lives. Another reason be that, despite my C, we are the happiest and healthiest in our relationship that we have ever been. We are content with our lives. We are ecstatic with our lives. We have true love, and it fills us with purpose. The last reason we have tried to move on from gossip is the unknown casualties. The people who are directly and indirectly affected by the career lay-off, disease, divorce, foreclosure among anything else that is unfairly spoken of. These are serious situations and all angles need to be addressed before asserting your bullshit opinion to make yourself feel better.

I hasn’t been that long since I was going out in the Village. Having late-nights at The George and V.Underground. Prior to my disease I made a conscious decision to stop. I can’t slow down, I need to stop. I’m a 12 o’clock boy, front tire to the sky, all or nothing. So I stopped. I thought it difficult as it was such a part of my social life, but my Megs was by my side. She let me slip a little, but never let me slide. She held me accountable and helped me to see the difference between alcohol dependence and true social interaction. It’s hard, because I love to gain knowledge, like to be in the know, but have seen the casualties of this war. We try to avoid these situations but they seem to propel themselves on us at different times. It’s what we used to do. Drink and talk. Never thinking of the casualties. With what we know now though, how can we consciously bring negativity. How can we ingest the low hanging dopamine boosters that gossiping brings. But we have, and it’s hard to separate from now. Are we climbing higher on our horses? Is it unfair for us to refuse the negativity. Is it ok for us to retreat inwards. We are a team. Our team is not better than any other, but our team is happy and proud. We just experienced several casualties, but we are a team.