At Ease

12.13.23- Yesterday was my day of treatment for the second week. It was really hard. I’ve been really happy lately; Almost non-chalant in the way I view my disease now. I am more concentrated on when I’m going back to work and when I can get back to Keystone to shoot. My World of bliss was brought to a halt rather quickly yesterday. My blood levels were low. Very low. We had to administer only half-a-dose of the Gimcytabine. This upsets me. I just want to be healthy. I just want to actually be as healthy as I feel. It really brought me back down to Earth quickly to see my WBC and Platelets dip to such a low level. Not only am I at heightened risk of disease, but more shocking to me is how careful I have to be to not fall and hurt myself. There is very little platelet action that can come to aid me if bleeding. I love to shred but I need to be careful. It’s a good thing I have my camera now. It keeps me occupied in the realm of pushing it. I picture my snowboarding going right to the lower limits of what I am shooting and have so far been able to successfully achieve feel a sense of achievement on each trick. I can think of how my alignment will affect the look of the trick; It’s style, and style is the foundation of a wholesome life.

I bought this bitching new lens with my last earned paycheck. It’s kind of a scapegoat excuse but I do feel that it is important to spend my last earned paycheck on something I can enjoy. I am sure that I will return to work, but in the chance that I do not, I think it is important that evertime I shoot I can look at this lens and think about how hard I have worked in this life. I like to work. I like to feel purpose. I like to not work also and seek purpose through activity and hobby. I’m really into shooting and editing right now. I absolutely cannot wait to get to Keystone on Friday and post up with the new rig. There’s a small chance my microphone will be here too. I want to make the best product that I can. I feel very similar to the eay I felt when I first started snowboarding. I’m teaching myself the basics and am trying slight challenges that I think could be cool towards the end of every session. I fall on my face a lot, and have even caught a few heel edges with intagram jacking up my quality. But I enjoy it all. I look forward to the two to five hours that I can sit and edit. Let my mind run. Try things. I should research more to help myself excel more quickly but it’s more my nature to get comfortable and overdue a certain style before moving on to what could be the next cool shot.

No new friends. It’s harsh and I find it funny to think about, but it’s been this way for several years now. I have my friends and I have been with Megs long enough to have been introduced to her friends. My capacity for loving and truly caring for someone is at a comfortable level. I will always save room to love, but I am not actively seeking it. Acquaintances are a different category to me. I have all the room in the world for acquaintances. Meeting new people is what helps me to thrive in this World. But I want to selfishly meet this people for my own. Pleasure and use. I want to meet and get to know new people on my own pace and location. I have my friends, but I seek acquaintances. My most recent acquaintances are some homies up at Keystone. Kaiden, Hunter, and Sergio are my favorites to shoot with. We all know our position and what makes us happy on the snow. It’s nice that these dudes have let me creep around them and try to get some good exposures. I struggled for a word there. I was going to say “killer exposures” but that’s really not in my wheelhouse at this time. And that’s ok. You need to enjoy the road to learning to create a foundation worth expanding on.

Yesterday was a hard day. It was my dad’s b-day. I am so lucky to have him here supporting me. I just couldn’t pull it together yesterday. In the morning I just dreamt of time soon that I would spend alone and how I could read, and write and edit and create. I can do that to an extent  when my dad is here, but I cannot truly turn off my useful brain and transition to a World of unattachment from practical thinking in order to create a pyramid of creativity. I need to melt down; Truly disassociate before being able to clear my mind and build thoughts back to focus on the project at hand. When I get an idea for a project it is hard for me to discontinue this thought process until it is complete. I need to see my work through, and until I do I am very difficult to associate with, because I’ve, well, successfully dissociated. I try to only get deep in this world when I can budget time. Right now it is 6a, I’ve woke at about 4 took an hour to get in my headspace and have been writing for about an hour. Creativity takes patience. Creativity takes time. Creativity can be formulated but you need the proper foundational thinking to open up your mind to creativity.

My dad is such a go with the flow guest. Theres no timing that he needs to be on and he is helpful with everything. I still like MY time though. It’s a sense of privacy. It’s a sense of non-judgement. I do not even like sharing my location with Meg’s. It takes away from the creative part of my being. It takes away from maintaining a sense of self-thinking and acting. It leaves the door open for questions, suggestions, and judgement. If I want to go to Vail for a few laps I not only do not want to have to tell someone or answer to whether I think I feel up to it. I don’t. But I am going to push myself everyday. Once you start pushing yourself to do things you enjoy but do not necessarily feel motivated to do, it will be much easier to push yourself to do things that you are neither motivated to do nor enjoyable. I need to push myself. I love to get outside, especially to snowboard. Just because I am tired does not mean that I cannot make a timeframe to motivate myself to get out there. It’s good for my pysyché. It is equally important to listen to that timeframe and save that extra umph you may have accumulated to get home and get re-aquatinted with your space. My afternoon always goes smoother when I have a little gas in the tank to bring my equipment in and lay it out, make a quick snack, and draw a bath. I need a little energy for this ritual. I am a creature of habit. My day is better when I complete these habits successfully.