Every Christmas is Different

12.26.2023-Every Christmas is different. Every Christmas is different. It’s an important lesson that Megs instilled in me as I was losing it. I’ve been losing it quite a bit lately. It is really hard. It appears that I am taking all of my anger out on my loved ones, and if they didn’t love unconditionally they would believe that too. It’s not true. I may yell and scream and argue just to argue; But it’s not about you Mum, Dad, and Megs. It’s Cancer. It’s this disease. And further it is me. There are so many things that I dreamed about through the years that I would surely accomplish. Many, just simple life goals. My first and foremost is becoming a father. I was put on this Earth to become a father and the odds continue to stack against me when it comes to what should be a simple goal.

In middle school they warn you of the dangers of unprotected sex. Aside from STI’s the real danger at 13 years years old is the fear of procreation. The instructors make you feel like by even having sensual touch you are in danger of creating a pregnancy. Flash forward fifteen years and I realize what a complicated lie this is. I appreciate the effort to inform easily influenced teens of the dangers of unprotected sex, but as I’ve matured I’ve realized the darker half of pr-creation. In laments terms I came to the realization that not every penis ejaculating sperm can impregnate a female, nor can every female be naturally impregnated. Now it was a fear at 13 to have immature children procreating, but it is a much larger fear now to realize that absolutely incredible people and couples are unable to pass on their genes and specific make-ups through procreation. It’s absolutely unfair that people who are loving, qualified, and fixated on creating life are robbed of the opportunity to do so. This life is unfair. When I went in for a sperm analysis prior to my first bout with Chemotherapy it came back negative for any sperm activity at all. Shooting blanks. Prior to chemotherapy. What is wrong with me. There was problems with me prior to Cancer. I’m a mess. And the worst fucking possible news is that I will not be able to complete the dream that I was put on this Earth to do. I would be such an incredible father and life is just unfair. Take me now. If that’s my purpose I’m ready to laugh with the sinners. Baby only the good die young.

I’m very fortunate to have great family like Jackie and Helen. I can imagine it’s really difficult to get kids out of the house and up to a resort to look for parking and hang out for a short period of time. But they did it. And they did it for me. I may never produce children of my own but I sure am lucky to call Jackie and Hels’ kids close to my own. There more than friends. There more than family. We have each moved out here for similar reasons and have faced similar struggles. We are bonded. Ellery was the first child that I took care of 1 on 1. It takes a lot of courage from parents to allow another adult, especially one who could be viewed as a relatively immature wildcard, to spend time with your first born child. It’s something that helped me mature and created a bond between myself and Ellery that cannot be replicated and will never be broken. I love Ellery and I’m very lucky that she came into my life at the time she did. Otto was next and I just feel like Otto was born 4 years old. The muscles this kid had out of the womb were incredible. Just the most athletic and fun to play with. I did.t spend a lotn of time with Otto until the past few years. He’s so much fun and just so enjoyable to shred with.

Grace was born on a Pow day. Dec. 8. Only pow day of the fall of 2017. G’s the best. Youngest child I’ve ever held. I’m very lucky to have Jackie and Chris. They are as close to family as I could get. If it wasn’t for them I would not live here now and would not have learned to thrive  in this valley. Jackie invited me over to meet G within the week she was born. I love the time I get to spend with G. It lessened for a while when they moved to Eagle but I have really caught back up with Jax and G. I didn’t meet Eloise nor spend time with Eloise for a long time after she was born. There’s so many excuses I could use to say why but realistically I just got busy and started my  relationship  with Megs and just kind of lost track of time. I’m thankful that Jax kept me involved in the the girls’ lives when In wasn’t around because I have such a solid foundation of who they are and how enjoyable they are to be around now that I have made time to spend with them. E is the cutest  and I’m so excited for every second that I get to spend with her. She loves her Uncle Bri, and I love my G&E.

Life is hard. On one hand I am happy to be back in the groove of treatment and the consistency that a schedule can provide. On the other hand I am back in treatment. It is scary. I do not nwant to die. There are so many things in this World that I still want to accomplish and even more places that I want to see. One day at a time. It’s my first day of my second round of treatment in my third bout with this bitch. I am strong. I am going to beat this. The radiation is going to work. I am confident. I have so much to accomplish. I love myself.

I love Megs. I couldn’t do anything without her. The most important is that she keeps me motivated. She constantly questions me; Some may find this as a negative as I did for some time, but ultimately Megs has my best interest in mind and she questions me to make my life better. She’s my rock. Cooking, cleaning, motivating, loving, driving, kissing, among so many other things. She brings me up, she brings me down but it’s all to make my life better. I love her so much.