Fastest Way Around is Through

1.14.24- It’s a tough morning. It doesn’t start that way, but it quickly goes there. I have some coffee and take a hit of my pen. I cough and cough as it wakes Meg. She asks concerningly what is going on, why am I coughing? I don’t answer. It’s a conversation that I never want to have. We see very oppositely on this matter. Only I know her side is more logical and could actually create positive change. It’s hard. Mary Jane brings me so much peace, calm, and ease of pain. Or does it actually  bring a sense of panic, hysteria, and stone cold realization. This habit could be fueling my tumors. I don’t know. But it could be. This is the hysteria. Or is this the bone chilling realizations. Where is the peace. Where is the tranquility? I run to Megs for support. I create a riff and then run to her for support. But it is not a riff; Or it should not be a riff. I need to grow up. I need to voice to her that these stone cold realizations are what make me shut down.

She already knows though. My Megs knows me in every way. She knows what makes me tick. She knows what makes me upset. For some reason though she wants me to constantly voice these thoughts. I am quiet. Inherently I like to keep my thoughts to myself. What attracts me to someone is being able to communicate with someone without speaking. It’s important to me to be able to exist and move by ques further than speech. Bringing more noise into this World is a privilege, and with that, I believe, it’s a privilege too often abused. It’s hard for me when Megs asks me to voice my thoughts constantly. I know she understands by my ques what I am thinking and I just don’t want to bring the World of truth to a statement by voicing it. I want it to remain a thought. A thought lives in a World of uncertainty, at the base of this dimension, no North Star. It’s a dimension where you live within your ideas to create beliefs that you hold true. I believe that the base of your thought process is essential and should be continually shaped through deep, un-interrupted thought about your physical and emotional surroundings. Your surroundings change, Your emotions change. The information presented to you changes. Your thought process needs to be fluid. Athlete’s adjust.

As I write you approach. Snooping. Trying to control another situation. For a brief moment it infuriates me and I want to hide. But you know what? Fuck it. I’m not embarrassed. I’m not scared. I’m starting a document for you. It’s a love letter a day to help fuel the recovery and mending of a broken heart if that should ever be needed. You question me. “Why is it titled, ‘From your Tiger Babë’”. It’s these questions that infuriate me. We lock eyes and you know what I’m thinking. You know what the title means. You understand the concept, but need to control the situation. Surely you can’t allow your husband to try to write you a love letter and roadmap to recovery for the day that it is needed. But this day, in your mind, will never be needed. It’s selfish to try to halt this perfect opportunity.

My mind needs to stay strong enough to not let this terrible disease get the better of me. I’m not strong enough to think of fighting instead of dying. It would be a huge miss for me to not take this opportunity to let mi amor know how I feel. A love letter a day will help. Selfishly it helps me. At the end of the day I am selfish. All I want is to try to leave my queen in the best possible situation. Should she need it, I want to do everything in my power to make her feel whole again. To help her move on. Find love again. Build the family that she deserves. I never want my babe to feel sad. But this is selfish. Sadness is a feeling that she must go through. She must feel it to its worst degree to move on. What I hope is to mend a broken heart. I’ve been through a lot, but with every fight my heart has strengthened and grown. I could never imagine the pain of a broken heart, and thus I write letters to seemingly stretch your heart lining so that it bends and bends, but it never breaks. You are strong my love, but you need to feel. Your heart will hurt, but it will never break. You will never forget, but with time shall move on and build the life you deserve. I love you.