No Treatment Today

1.9.24- Bout 3 Round 2 Dose 3. LFG. Well kind of. It’s always emotional when I wake up on the morning of a treatment day. My mind begins to wonder. Always. And often not in productive ways. I think of how I may never be a dad. This is always where my mind starts. This is my ultimate goal in life, what I was put on this Earth to do, and I constantly think of how I may not be able to do this in this life. I think of how I may never be able to accompany the love of my life through her life. I will always watch over her and be by her side, but I may never physically be there for her when she competes in this life. I think of how I may not be uncle Bri to my G and E throughout important milestones in their lives. I love them so much. I think of how I may be selfish and not selfless. How long do I put my life on hold. How long do I wait to respond to text messages from longtime, yet long lost, friends. I think of how much I manifested this at certain portions of my life and how I wish now that I never knew what Cancer was. When I went back to work this last time I dreamed of the freedom to wake slowly, plan adventures accordingly, and live life the way that I want most. Well sometimes you think you want something but the consequences are far more serious than you imagined. Now you can’t go back. Did my mind do this to me? Can manifestation create life altering results? Will I come back as a better person? A person who can live a fulsome life and procreate to produce young adults who can change this World for the better. Am I leaving this World in a better place than I found it.

I take an Ativan. Yes, I am leaving this World in a better place than I found it. I spent much of my life hyping others up. I genuinely want to see people succeed. More than anything I want to see others smile. That is what makes me smile. And my smile is far and away my best attribute in this life. I love to smile and everyone loves to watch me smile. It’s a real positive sequence that I am perpetuating in this life. It’s a cycle that has produced relatively constant happiness around me for my entirety. I remember being young and winning, “Tiger of the Year” for the Thompson Club Swim Team. Out of a whole club they chose an eight year old dude (Always been a dude.) to recognize. They sourced my infectious smile and ability to remain positive regardless of weather and results. This is my number one quality. My smile left this World in a better place than it found it.

My nurse comes in accompanied with the Pharmacist. They will not be administering my Chemo today. My blood counts are too low. These are the situations that people on the outside are not even aware of. Cancer should be easy. PET scan-->Drugs->PET scan, if it’s working follow up with imagining, if it’s not, More Drugs. Unfortunately it is a lot more complicated than that. Your body must be constantly monitored to assure that it can handle these drugs, and the really unfortunate truth is that these drugs can affect your body and blood levels in ways that detriment to the point where the drug can not be administered again until recovery has occurred. It is an unfair World. It is a cruel World. It is an unforgiving World. But it is a World full of feeling and believe me you would nevere want to give that up. Jake Phelps said something along the line of this World owes you nothing. This World owes you wheel bite in the rain.” It mhas taken me a long time to really grow to understand this quote and appreciate it for the truth it instills. Jake was critical but he wasn’t cynical; He’s saying that this life is what you make of it and there is no magic that is looking out for you to succeed. You earn what you get and if your expectations get out of whack you deserve a hard crash in the rain to bring you back to center. Enjoy the laughter, enjoy the pain. At the end of the day feelings are what bring excitement, and excitement is the pulse of life. Life owes you nothing. 

While we were driving home I began to open up to Megs about my thoughts on pro-creating and explained how I question how long we have to wait to morally and responsibly wait to try to have a child. Selfishly I would love to have had a child like yesterday, but obviously that has not happened and is just a silly thought. We continue to communicate and Megs brings up the probable idea that it would not be appropriate prior to being “Cancer Free” again or for some time. I agree and I begin to discuss how overall I believe that the decision really lies on her shoulders as some of the more positive feedback that we’ve gotten on my treatment is that it could lengthen life up to ten years. This still makes me feel very selfish in my thought to pursue procreation. Megs shocks me with a piece of mind though. She discusses how medicine could advance leaps and bounds over the next ten years and this time is really what we need to continue to increase my cure rate. This really changed my thinking. Gave me an umph in life. Maybe everything is going to be ok. Maybe this life will pan out. Until then I continue to smile and enjoy this beautiful place that we call home. I’ve been capturing surreal moments up at the Athlete’s Mountain and really enjoying my time to get out and try to get creative. My life has been awesome and will continue to be awesome. I’m a good dude, and good things happen to good dudes.