Specta's Birthday

1.16.24- Megs is going to pick me up and get me to Shaw. I’m sure she will sit with me for too long to make sure I’m all good and tucked. I feel guilty. I don’t want her to feel like she has to stay with me, but I don’t want to be there alone. She will stay for a little and then I will kick her out. I just need her to pick me up. I haven’t driven home from treatment yet and I really don’t plan on ever doing it. I just get so full of drugs, and Benadryl, and sometimes I bring half a happy pill. I can’t drive. I don’t want to drive. I just want to chill. I don’t want to go to treatment, but last week without treatment was way more of a mental fuck than the physical feelings of not wanting to go to treatment. I need it. I will get rid of this disease. I will fight to be Cancer Free. I am a survivor.

Brutally cold day today. Cold, windy, blustery. I’ve come to this place where I don’t want to leave my house. It’s the killer combination between mental and physical anxiety that suffocates you. Your mental wants you to do something. Be productive. Your physical can’t handle this pressure though. This is not what you want to do. This struggle is the same one that makes it difficult to make breakfast, to make the bed, to brush your teeth, to shave, to really do anything. Remember to make your bed in the morning. It’s my number one pillar. That way no matter what you will have accomplished something for the day. It’s so simple but this pillar keeps me alive. Excited for life.

Megs comes with me to Shaw. TG. We get a call on the way. The nurse asks if we are still planning on coming. I’m like ughh yeah, most important appointment of my life thus far. Somehow I had missed a text stating blood at 9:15, provider at 9:45. My B. But thankfully Megs is with me to see the provider. We meet and discuss how I’m close to the edge. She is going to prescribe growth factor shots for me to hopefully maintain or even boost my bone marrow and keep my White Blood Cells where they need to be. Beyond that we are not going to taper off the drugs. We are still going to try to give full doses. She says it’s important to administer full doses. This makes me nervous but I don’t question it. I believe in what the doctors are doing to keep me alive and I will follow them blindly into battle however they see fit. I’m a fighter, I’m a warrior.

It's Specta’s bday today. It’s funny. I was such a punk growing up to Specta and our boi BCox. I can’t explain why but I was. Honestly I was kind of a punk to a lot of my “friends”. It could be due to my stature, or my inherent Irish attitude but I caused problems. I liked to disrupt fairplay and fun. For some reason I liked seeing the World burn when I was younger. This is due to being a spoiled punk. I could create mischief and undoing and then retreat to a quiet home. I’ve always enjoyed quiet. I hate altercation. I get excitement out of pushing limits and being a habitual line stepper, bvut that’s where it needs to stop. The altercation is too much for my weak heart. I can’t stand up and be honest about why I pushed the situation to the limit. The real reason is excitement but if you tell that to a person enraged it doesn’t really ease the situation. I live in the moment, always have. Don’t think about the past, don’t think about the future be present. Find Zen. Find Siddhartha.

Back to Specta and Bcox. I truly love these dudes. I’m very fortunate that they both gave me second and third and fourth and fifth and dozens of more chances. I think I felt somewhat threatened by these dudes when I was younger because they were smart, and cool, and just into cool things further than I was. Unfortunately it turned me into a monster and brought out the nasty, cruel aspects of my personality. I’m fortunate as we got older they forgave, never forgot, but they forgave. I’m lucky to have these dudes. Happy Birthday Specta.

I need to remind myself constantly that strength comes in many forms. It’s hard to not quantify strength by survival. That’s just not accurate though. There are people who prosper and there are people who are pushed to the limits, and ultimately are taken, by similar addictions, diseases and situations. The mind and body are truly wonderful. It’s so interesting to see people solve problems and exist in similar situations in vastly different ways. The body has different coping methods and uses these methods differently depending on the person. A disease or addiction can affect people in different ways. Just because a disease is battling you it does not mean that you are not strong. Just because a disease or addiction takes you it does not mean that you are weak. Strength comes in many forms. I am not giving in or letting this disease take me. This disease is battling me tooth and nail at every stop. I am strong. I am battling. If this takes me it does not mean that I am not strong. Always remember how strong I was. I will be available for you when you need strength. I love you. This life loves you; Often this life is unfair.

When I am taken I know where I will be going. I meant well but had too strong an appetite for mischief. I’d rather laugh with the sinners, than die with the Saints. I am no saint, but then again I have never met one. We all make mistakes, we all have lapses in judgment, but we are all inherently good. There is no pearly gates. There will be no judgement. Judgement is reserved for the seen World. When I move on I will be greeted by legends past. People who are genuinely happy to see me. I will spend eternity spending quality time with loved ones past, future, and present. I will greet each and every one who moves on. I will spread cheer, I will continue to smile. I will continue to shred. There will be no pressure at all, no anxiety. Just love. Shred for eternity. Love for eternity. Live for eternity.