Tonight, the Longest Night

1.18.24-“ She cried to the southern wind, 'Bout a love that was sure to end, Every dream in her heart was gone, Headin' for a showdown”. A ripper that I enjoy watching posted a few pow shots to this song the other day. I really like Electric Light Orchestra. For some reason I just connect with the way that they smoothly crash into every rythym. It’s like I can’t help it. Your presence is either known in this World or you slip through quietly. I’ve always announced myself and it’s created pure symphony and deep ballads in most situations. I dive deeper into why this song gives me the edge. Why it makes me feel. With each verse the author discusses situations coming to a head. He knows that what he is experiencing is going to come to a head with the “Showdown”. It won’t be easy either, the author bolsters, as he discusses, “tonight”, being, “the longest night”. We all have our struggles. It’s important that we are the main player in our destinies and create the changes that we want to see. When you realize that there is a problem in your life, be proactive. Think about the best possible outcome, or change, that you can enact and build a roadmap to get there. It starts with small steps. Small, consistent corrections can lead to large positive changes. Whatever you want, go get it. If there are roadblocks, remove them.

Communication should be simple. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. I often have trouble communicating in times of distress. Really distress of any level. Whether it be a feeling of guilt in buying a new lens and withholding it from Megs, or avoiding friends when I just don’t want to hang out. When I’m feeling good everyone knows. My presence is loud. I talk surely. I have a plan. When I am slipping into the dark, it is much harder for me to communicate. When my thoughts run red, I don’t want to share. I want to run. I want to hide. Call? I don’t think so. Sometimes I’ll text but I’m often not honest. It’s hard to be honest when you’re not feeling like the best version of yourself. Recently my physical has crippled my mental with the missing of treatment and it’s led me to go quiet. I can’t seem to bring myself around to text BigToe. These are my homies but I don’t want to let them down. What it comes down to is I don’t want to let anyone down. And when I do let them down I want to do it slowly. Or am I doing the opposite. I am ripping the band-aid. I regret not answering but it’s easier than admitting defeat. I don’t feel good. I’m tired, I constantly have a headache, my vision goes dark when I stand, my fingers and toes are experiencing bad neuropathy, I don’t have much appetite which leads to me not eating and fueling myself for activities. I just can’t go shred. But I look at Yen’s text. She’s not bugging me to go shred. She’s checking in. Just a simple homie text. It brings me to tears. I get in my head and think that everyone wants to go shred and fear that I’ll be left behind. The reality is that everyone just wants to support me and make sure I’m as good as I can be. I love BigToe. They rule, and they’re my people.      

Went to get my bone marrow boosting shot at 9:45a. I was a little late trying to wrangle my snowboard shit before leaving. Umass homie Heider is in the 81620 and we are gonna rip. It hasn’t stopped snowing in seemingly two weeks, and I haven’t gotten any of it. I’m ready to rip a little. But I need to keep it on the low; Couple two tree hours know what I’m saying.

It’s good. It’s better than I expect. Got my injection real quick and was getting dressed to shred on the dry, presumably heated, Shaw Center sidewalk. I need a dry spot to stand and put my bibs on and this spot provides. Next stop I hit the Smiling Moose for a short Mountain Club. It’s hot, it’s good, it provides the fuel I need. Get back on 6 and head to the Elk Lot. Just need to throw my Jacket, hat, and goggs on and head up the hill. I walk up under the Westin Gondola to that loading zone. It’s my spot. I don’t know why but I love launching there and ending my day on Paulie’s getting scooped at the driving range. Today the latter won’t happen since I have my truck, so I need to plan my time accordingly. I kind of just get right into the ripping when I get above Strawberry Park. It’s really good. Like top days good. The pow is supportive and just absolutely rippable. I get several nice left turns, several nice right turns, my first 360 of the season, and my absolute favorite, couple straight lines down steep soft bumps. It was so fucking good. And so good to see Heider. I really only rip for an hour or so in an effort to conserve energy for tomorrow. I’m going to try to link with them at Vail. I love Vail. Like Nothing on Earth.

There was this sequence of moments a few years ago when I was ripping Jade’s Glade with my buddy Rieder where I got stuck in an uncontrollable left side turn that seemed to track for a half-mile. I felt in control as I tracked quickly, but was unable to change direction or slow down. It was a feeling that I had never felt before. As I gained speed I felt so in control, but as my mental discussed it’s next move, my body was unable to follow. I was stuck in time. I was stuck in a space, but I was moving quickly! I ultimately abruptly bottomed out, or hit a massive boulder or did something to make me eat shit, but it was exhilarating. A memorable experience with the knife’s edge. That example is pedestrian as I shook off the snow, probably grabbed my goggles out of the snow, and skated in deep snow to a place where I could drop in again. The knife’s edge has gotten a lot sharper since these days. My focus has shifted, and my days have changed. I now fear the knife’s edge with breath. I feel the control of the drugs, the injections, the transfusions. I move quickly in a direction. I am in control. The Reaper catches my heels though. He gets me on my track. It’s no longer my control. I no longer control my next turn. Unfortunately I can’t turn back up the hill to slow down. I’m tracking fast. Slow movements allow me to feel short moments of control, but I fear the crash. I fear the end of this track may not be able to be dusted off. I fear the end of this track will come abruptly. For the present I am in a moment of control, however. I have a strong feeling of hope. This is not MY Cqncer. I will move on from this terrible disease. I will beat this Evil Woman.