What the Fuck

12.1.2023- It’s an anomaly to me. How can I be at like a 98% cure rate in September of 2022, and now in 12/23 I am at a 10% cure rate. Like What The Fuck. The only thing that I can compare this to is the Jets. Like that is the only franchise that could tank a 98% chance to win. Where did I go wrong? Who did I wrong? It’s funny, many people have an opinion of me being a very nice, well-mannered young man. But I can be a prick. Ask the people close to me. I have a sick sense of humor driven by a question of my own self worth in comparison to other people. I can be impatient. I can think that people can be better and have no problem voicing that. But the one thing that I pride myself on is never thinking of any one as inferior. I think people can be stupid, lazy, messy, and lack self awareness, but I do not and refuse to ever believe that anyone is inferior. That belief is the foundation to my moral compass and it’s how I base my technique to interacting with everyone. Words go a long way in making an impression. It’s important to me to use the correct formality, vocabulary, and opportunity for humor in vastly differing interaction. Every interaction is unique to me. I’m a prick.

I worked late tonight. Got home around 10:15p. Just wide fucking awake. Megs is like wound down ready to sleep and I’m just rustling around. I’m a real PITA. But I move. I’m in a writing mood. It’s soothing me. I move to the living room. Get my two comfy pillows to back me up on the plush P.Barn white couch overlooking the Christmas Tree. Best believe I’ve built myself a fire and getting in some quality tree time. I’m in a good mood. Things are moving in the right direction. We start Chemo on Monday morning. Had our Roadmap meeting with Doc Jordan today. Love him but he should not be doing the roadmap meeting. I get that it’s a liability but come on read the room bud. Been there done that, I know this poison is going to rough me up, just hit me with the schedule details. Me and Megs were snoozin’! but its all good I appreciate the J man for delivering the tough deit’s. I don’t know I think me and Meg’s are in the minority on. being bored of the details. We just want action. We know now how strong this junk is. My hearing is fucked. I lived in a chemo cloud for like two months of my summer.

This isn’t MY cancer. I need to give this somewhere else. I would never wish this upon anyone else but it’s not mine and I need to rid myself of it. It needs to be gone. This is the time. This is our opportunity. I’m shocked that we are back to treatment. I underestimated this Evil Woman. Bitch.

Meg’s is excited to have Rich out here. That makes me more excited. It’s a hard life but I’ve chosen to be a people pleaser, and unfortunately I am more bound to please the person who is in closer proximity to me. I love my dad. I find great comfort in his involvement, input, and expectations. It’s nice that he and Meg’s have a good relationship. It will make treatment easier. I love my mum. She is my person. But we need to get our feet under us before she can come out and comfort me. I hope she can come out for the second round or even to ski before that. We will see.   

I’m afraid of leaving this World behind. I believe that there is more for me in the next life, but I do not really think that I have accomplished everything that I was meant to. I’m not done. I’m a fighter. I will keep fighting. But really if there is an afterlife it’s be really tight if it was just like MY knee high pow with the most perfectly spread out Aspen’s. Plenty of tree’s and rocks to jump and ride. Just the perfect run. That’s what’s waiting.